Canning Pickles: Have a good laugh at my ridiculousness

OK so I am going to can! I have the canner, the jars, the lid, the canning tools and a ridiculous amount of cukes. I clean the kitchen counters and wipe everything down with vinegar. Meghan walks in and says "Mmmmmmm it smells so good in here." Note that I have NOT even started making the pickles yet. She is so much like her Auntie Angela; she could eat enough pickles to preserve herself until she was 300 years old. I fill up the canner and another pan to sterilize the lids and jars. I start with the lids. I boil them exactly 10 minutes and attempt to remove them with the JAR LIFTER. This is where the trouble begins. Of course there is ONE lid that I cannot pick up. After much frustration and many failed attempts I finally got the last lid and I placed them in a glass dish with a cover and pour boiling water over them. Time to boil the jars. There on the towel is the magnetic wand you are supposed to use to lift the lids and rings out of boiling water. I shake my head and move on. Time to sterilize the jars. The canner is filled with water so I get ready to put the jars in. I look in the pot and realize the 2 handles on the side of the rack have fallen down. Or they were always down. The water is boiling so I try to use the jar lifter to get them up. I get one up burning myself in the process. I am a lot more careful the next time. The first side now falls down. I am now cursing under my breath. I can do this. It takes a few more minutes and I finally get them up and place a jar in the water as fast, but as carefully as I can. Another side of the lifter falls. Again. I wrestle with it and get another jar in. Now the other side falls. *SCREAM* I finally get them all in. Deep breath. While they are boiling I look at the bowl with the lids. Oh great... what if they get cold?? I am on the verge of a panic attack. I dump some of the water out and add some boiling water from my tea kettle. I did my homework.  Always have boiling water on standby. Time to get the jars out. I pick one up with the jar grabber. Ooooh I like this toy. I pour out the boiling water and then look around. Where do I put the jar? At first I was going to pull all the jars out at once, then I decided I was going to pack them one at a time. I place the jar back in and get a towel ready on the counter. The jar falls almost sideways. SERIOUSLY??!! I manage to get it out without burning myself again. I load in the dill and some peppercorns and then start to load the cucumbers. I look and see the funnel. I place the funnel on the jar and continue to load. Some of the cucumbers don't go in all the way. I shake the jar. Nope. I push it down with my finger. Then I freak out. What if I touch the inside of the funnel? I am going to KILL my family. I can see the headlines now. DEATH BY DILL. CANNING MOM GETS LIFE SENTENCE. I tell myself not to freak out. Time to add the brine. Fill it to the bottom of the funnel. I pour the liquid in. To the bottom... but wait... what if it's a little below or even worse, ABOVE the funnel?! Why aren't there directions somewhere to answer all of these questions??!! WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING??!! I remove the funnel and go to get the top. This is when I remember my MAGIC magnetic wand! This will be easy! I go to fetch a lid first and instead I get three rings all stuck together. You have GOT to be kidding me. I shake them off. I get a lid FINALLY and place it on. Then the ring. OH NO. I forgot to wipe the jar. I take the lid off and wipe the jar. There. Oh no, I FORGOT to push out all the air bubbles. I should have just gone to bed. I managed to prepare 6 jars of pickles. Time to process them. I look in the water. The lifters have fallen. Evil evil things. But WAIT! I have the MAGIC magnetic wand!!! I take it and use it to lift one side up burning myself. OUCH. I am more careful and I finally get the handle out of the water. OK. Now what. I have one free hand. I try to grab a jar with the grabber with one hand. I hope you are laughing because I have just completely lost my sense of humor. I manage to get the jars in while constantly battling the HANDLES FROM HELL. I put the lid on. Now the water just needs to boil. Tick. Tock. Lift the lid. Tick. Tock. Another peek. Tick. Tock. BOIL ALREADY!!!!!!! 

Finally the water boils and after the timer goes off I leave them in the water for a few minutes. Time to take them out. I recall reading a story about someone canning, and they claimed that a cool breeze would cause the jars to SHATTER. By now I am convinced that I AM GOING TO DIE. "TURN OFF THE AIR CONDITIONER!" I yell to the kids. I lift the jar slowly, as if it were a ticking bomb. I turn my head away so I wont get glass in my eyes if the jar does explode. I wait. One.. two... three.... nothing happens. I slowly walk it over to the counter and hold my breath. It didn't break. I repeat the same thing another 5 times. Somehow I have survived my first *real* canning experience. Will I survive eating them? Only time will tell...... 

my faithful chicken herding chihuahua